There’s a difference between telling yourself something, and knowing it. My brain, and I venture to guess yours too, offers a steady stream of commentary to either pay attention to, or reject. Thoughts about things I observe, how I feel, what I think I want. Most of it nonsense, really.
This is also the commentary you must learn to ignore, or reject when you quit drinking. The voice that tells you that you need a drink. The voice that compares you to all the other seemingly happy drinking people and tries to make you feel different. And, also the voice that tells you that you deserve the chocolate cake.
I think we are all familiar with this chatter that takes place in our brains on an almost constant basis. But if you go deeper, beyond the level of inane and often sabotaging thoughts, you reach a level of knowing. This is often referred to as a knowing in your gut, or in your heart. I like to think of it as heart-knowing.
When I was drinking, I knew in my heart that I had to quit, if I was going to have any chance at a healthy, rewarding life. I knew in my heart that the way I drank was not normal. And that the role alcohol assumed in my life was consuming and destructive. I knew in my heart that if I continued, there would be no happy ending.
Now, two years into my sobriety, I know in my heart that I won’t go back. My mindset is now one where there is no space for the tortured thoughts and compulsions that used to hold me captive. No time to chase the the illusory sweet spot, or the illusion of fun. I know in my heart that this new lifestyle I’ve accepted is what keeps me well and at peace with myself. I know in my heart that sobriety is my reality and while I was unsure at first, I now accept with gratitude and commitment.
The alternative would be to not accept it. To spend the rest of my life riding the elevator up and down, but mostly down, until I got so low I couldn’t get back up. To know your truth and to fight it invites nothing but self-loathing and inner turmoil. You might have small victories here or there, but the major landscape of your life would be defeat. So, while I may not have chosen this reality for myself, I accept it and take solace in the fact that the difficulties refine and strengthen me.
I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m not saying there are times when I look around and it feels like everyone else is drinking and having fun and living in a world of carefree, hedonistic delight. That I’m on the outside looking in. I’m not saying I never picture vacations on the Amalfi Coast, relaxing on a terrace at sunset with a generous glass of wine in my hand. I’m not even saying I feel triumphant in my decision to take on this new lifestyle.
What I am saying is that I know in my heart, that sobriety is my today, my tomorrow and my saving grace. Without it, I would not be ok. So I accept it, and I move forward each day, trusting what I know in my heart.
Congratulations. I too have put aside all the noise in my brain. No longer just ‘existing’ or searching for the next thrill. It’s very liberating. I now feel that I can ward off family and friends who don’t comprehend what it means to be an alcoholic. I tell them I can’t drink because I’m an alcoholic and they think that should be reason to drink. I’ve been in rehab for the past 5 months. Things will be much different when I get out but I’m not worrying about that right now. One day at of time. Thanks for sharing.
Amen my friend! My mind wandered just the other day. I thought… if I ever drank again it would be in a place where no one knows me and my “history.” Thoughts come and thoughts go but you are so right… we know in our heart what is right. xxxxx
This is very timely Collette, I am dealing with a lot of that ‘noise’ at the moment. Long weekends, sunny weather, beach houses, family get-togethers.. I had the thought ‘I could just have one or two’ – I reined in the thought. Scary though how it creeps up and scary how much drinking is the norm. Looking forward to getting to the place where you are, where there is no more brain chatter. Thanks for the post x
So very true Collette. It isn’t something I feel triumphant about (not anymore anyway). I feel more of a resigned sadness that I am unable to partake in that kind of activity. I know often it’s not what it seems and the noise tells us we are missing out when we aren’t really. But I still yearn for it sometimes. Like you though, I know in my heart, sobriety is the happier route for me and always will be. Sending love ❤️ 💕 💗
it is so important to remember these things as we go along because life has a way of distracting us..ty for the post! as always , a great read:)
Our new way is so the better way. It’s still tough but so worth it xx