Lately, my 9-year-old is showing some concerning tendencies. There are so many admirable things about my daughter: her kindness, bravery, intelligence, athleticism and creativity being a few. As her mom, I am intentional about not placing rigid or high expectations upon her, but her words lately are confirming that she does this on her own. And leaves me wondering, where do our expectations and sense of worth come from? How do we know we are or aren’t good enough?
This is her first season of competitive gymnastics, and she’s doing very well. I can’t imagine what it takes to go out there in a leotard in front of hundreds of people and perform feats of strength, balance and coordination (in fact, it sounds like my worst nightmare). But she comes away from each meet with a collection of medals. At one meet she had less than she usually gets and hung her head when she saw me and apologized for not doing as well. “Are you still proud of me?” After much reassurance I wondered where this came from. Why would she think I’d be anything less than proud? She makes similar comments, apologizing for getting a math problem wrong on a test or playing the wrong key while practicing the piano. You would think, by listen to her, that I’m some mean tyrant, demanding perfection.
I know that some parents expect great things for their children; things that they have never accomplished and now want to feel validated my the success of their offspring. Their kids are expected to get perfect grades, be high performing athletes and the best at whatever they do. Again, this isn’t me. I believe my job as a parent is to care for, support, protect and love my children, no matter how high their grades or ambitions. I want to encourage them to do what they love and be happy, not miserable, doing it.
My daughter’s comments are not in line with the person/parent I believe I am. So where did she pick up this perspective? This view that, if she’s not perfect, it’s not good enough. As we move through our formative years, the world passes out As and medals and applause to those it deems good enough. Eager for affirmation, we usually gravitate toward the places we find success or recognition. But within that arena, it is the individual who will ultimately decide how good is good enough.
And this doesn’t happen outside, but inside. How much of a child’s personality is dictated by external forces such as parents and caregivers, friends and peers? At what point does a child look at a math test or in the mirror and say, I’m not good enough? Even if they don’t hear it in the words of others, when does it manifest in their minds?
I’m doing my best to be supportive and reassuring, believing that this is the best approach. But inside, I’m confused and concerned that she feels this way. Have I sent an indirect message? Or maybe I’m giving myself far too much credit and what I think or do or say isn’t even a factor. Maybe it’s coming from somewhere I can’t even influence or control.
The concept of self-worth and the expectations we place on ourselves is so nebulous and intangible. Where do we get it? Why don’t we have it? What is the measure of good enough? As a young person, I struggled with low self-worth and the consequences that belief system brought into my life (drinking, withdrawal, depression and anxiety). Perhaps looking to place blame, I wondered why my mom didn’t give me a better sense of self-esteem.
At some point as a young adult, I grew tired of tending to the mental wounds and bruises brought on my own bad choices. Humbled and exhausted with myself, I heard that still, small voice I’d been trying to mute for way too long. I returned to the God of my youth, but met him in a new way. This wasn’t the God of Old Testament stories and Sunday school. This was my personal savior, waiting patiently to heal and hold me. And to show me I was good enough.
So now, I’m seeing that self-worth isn’t something we possess and can pass on to our children. It’s not something we can call into being with our words. In fact, too much external praise leaves the inside hollow and empty. Maybe our true sense of worth is only given to us once we weather storms and see that we can survive. If we experience crushing disappointment and see that we can still stand. And if we start to see ourselves, not through the eyes of the world, but through the eyes of God.
Figuring out how much is good enough is a personal journey. My daughter’s journey is just beginning; her standards are high and her expectations, for excellence, for fairness, for what is right are uncompromising. I will do my best to support her and reassure her, but she will need to be shaped by disappointments and achievements, hard lessons and triumphant successes. Through these experiences, she will be humbled and give herself grace.
Because in watching her, I realize that my sense of self did not come from another person, but from years of lessons experiences and how I chose to view each one. It is hard to watch someone you love be hard on herself and determine she is not enough. But life has a way of sanding down the rough edges of our expectations and inviting us to sit and rest in the shade of grace.
I know she has a lot to do and be ahead of her. I’m not looking forward to witnessing her bumps and bruises, but I know that in experiencing them, she will find out who she is, and see that she good enough.
I’m right there with you, Collette. So far I too think one must weather the storms to discover many loving insights. Not easy to watch, but if it helps remember god – source – divine love does this daily and in return surrounds us with love.✨❤️🤗
Yes, I agree. Thank you Dwight. It’s hard letting our children find their way. I’m hoping she learns to give herself grace. It seems funny to be hoping for her to develop a sense of underachievement. Hugs to you!
oh my goodness… my daughter went through this at right around the same age..i felt so sad for her. But what i realized after much reassurance is that she needed to sort out her own feelings about it. I tried asking her to describe how she was feeling and that worked well for a little bit, but then every answer started sounding the same.She resisted talking about it out loud as well. So i got her a really cute journal and asked her to write in it everyday or when she felt like that ( her choice) . Over the years she learned to write for many reasons (and still writes well to this day). But also, my reasoning was 2 fold. Our interactions had become a bit too much like the attention/reward thing. i wanted to give her both, but not to where she was using high performance OR failures to gain approval. The writing helped . I gave some feed back when she chose to show me( and a hug) but she didn’t always. I didnt over do it with praise every time- sometimes i just asked questions and said “interesting”
…does any of this make sense?
Thank you for your insight Lovie. I think a journal sounds like just the right thing… Sometimes she is resistant to giving voice to her feelings or what’s going on in her head. Maybe a safe place will help her get it out. I’m hoping she starts to rely less on my praise and focuses more on praising herself. It’s a tough walk… Hugs to you.
Really interesting Collette and Lovie’s reply. Both my daughters have gone through perfectionist phases and the more I praised the less they would believe or internalise it. I agree with all you say – I think sometimes as parents we try too hard to take away any pain, upset or distress and that this might somehow contribute to the expectation that life has to be perfect? As I’ve learnt to support them rather than try to fix things and they’ve weathered the inevitable storms of life and love they have both come to a place of much greater self acceptance and contentment. You are on the right track! 💞💞
Thank you for your sharing and insight, DGS. Yes, it’s exactly that way… I feel the more effusive my praise the less she internalizes it. I’m hoping she learns to give herself some grace, and I’m going to encourage her to write as an outlet, as Lovie suggested. Hugs to you, my friend.