Reflections on a Year

I need to begin with an ending. To go back to that night, a year ago. The night when I finally said, “Enough.” When I said I’d do anything just to not do that thing anymore. When desperation got the upper hand and opened the door to surrender. When I took that first step on a journey that has brought me here to the present moment: grateful, grace-full and hopeful.

I know this journey is just starting and believe me when I say I take nothing for granted. But this feels like an appropriate time to look around and reflect. And to share some of what I’ve learned about sobriety so far.

10 Light-Bulbs That Have Illuminated My Path

1. In order for sobriety to click, there has to be a mindset shift. Many people collect days or sober time but have yet to give themselves over mentally to the idea of living sober. I’ve made prior attempts to quit, but was unsuccessful because on some level the idea of having a drink was still a desirable thing. The night I gave up the fight and gave it to God was the night I truly made peace with the fact that I could no longer drink. Something clicked inside and I accepted that there was no benefit in it for me whatsoever. Once you surrender and accept this fact, the days you collect take on a much greater significance; the significance of a life being lived.
2. Thoughts (and cravings) are just visitors. They aren’t YOU…and they are temporary. I learned this by reading the work of theologians, philosophers and thought practitioners such as Eckhart Tolle, James Baraz and Pema Chodron. We experience suffering when we are attached to or identify with our thoughts. If we can get to a place where we observe our thoughts and stay neutral instead of getting emotionally triggered, we don’t feel driven to act on those thoughts. It’s getting out of our heads and looking at the bigger picture all around us. This has helped me when I’ve felt cravings, or when I am bombarded by emotions over a situation that is usually out of my control. It’s getting out of our own thought storms and noticing the sun around us.
3. Your mind does not have your best interest at heart. The thoughts, cravings and feelings we have as drinkers are generated by our subconscious, which has been programmed, over time and with repetition, to seek out alcohol as a reward, a relief or an answer to any situation we face. If you want to read more about this and a whole book full of brilliance, read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace. When we know we need to quit, there is a sense of dissonance between our conscious and subconscious minds. That is why it’s okay (and highly advisable) to not act on those thoughts and cravings –that addictive voice–because we need to recognize that our brains will work against us to obtain what it thinks we need. Even if it is the exact opposite of what we need. Scary. But true.
4. Society does not have your best interest at heart. We, as a society, are being sold a lie that robs us of our truth. It is difficult to examine and learn the truth about how media and society glorifies using a drug that is so deadly. It is difficult have to continually justify not using a drug. It difficult to know the truth and still be in the minority. Like everyone is asleep and you want to shake them awake. Being sober is counter-cultural. This experience has shown me first-hand that being different makes me strong. That unlocking the truth opens the door to a beautiful life.
5. It’s all about perspective. Changing the way you live in a major way can be scary and undesirable or it can be the greatest bliss you ever tasted. It all depends on your perspective. And your perspective is shaped by past experience. If you have no experience being sober, you will probably tend to view it with skepticism, dread, and a healthy dose of fear. As you actually move into the experience, it helps to have a positive mindest about your reasons for making this change and to focus on the beautiful snow-capped peaks on the horizon (big picture) rather than the potential boulders up ahead (spiraling). Rise above.
6. You will never regret not drinking. It’s true. Especially in the morning when you wake up and feel eager, excited, or at least ready to greet the day. When newly sober, the tendency is to say no to social events. I think this is wise…until it isn’t. Cutting certain activities and people out of your life is necessary and beneficial in the beginning. But there comes a point where you have to just be brave and start attending events and showing up for life sober. To become accustomed to possibly being the only one not drinking. In the past year, I’ve attended a bridal shower, a wedding, a high school reunion, a funeral, a Super Bowl party, birthdays, holiday parties, conferences, weekends away, and a week-long vacation all sober and did not have a single regret (except maybe the regret that I hadn’t quit sooner).
7. Be selective about what you add to your life. Alcohol makes your life very small. You will find that you have much space and many hours to fill when you no longer waste them planning, drinking, and recovering. This is a golden opportunity–a gift–to select hobbies, interests, people and pastimes that will add to, not take away from, who you are as a person. What have you always wanted to do but didn’t? What passion(s) have you forgone in exchange for a numbing existence? Do that. Re-discover those.
8. It’s not about the booze (or the drugs, or the food, or the shopping, or the gambling, or the sex, or anything else we use to cope). These are all symptoms of a greater problem within. Attempts to mask or escape from our own realities. To provide temporary relief or release, or eventually, just to feel normal. When what we became addicted to is no longer an option (and beware of replacement addictions such as, oh, I don’t know…sugar!) we need to begin the process of identifying the problems and learning new healthy ways to cope, if we are to heal.
9. You will only find and learn to love your authentic self once you put down the substances. If you had told me a few years ago that truly knowing and loving myself was possible, I would have scoffed, probably rolled my eyes, and dismissed you as crazy. When I was drinking, I hated myself and my actions so why would I bother trying to take care of myself or nurture any ounce of potential that was buried inside? Now, with a clear head, I am learning who I am and what I need. I feel worthy of self-care and self-compassion. I am finding my vintage, original passions and ideals, dusting them off and trying them on again for size. And they still fit me! The real me. Because our real selves don’t have dimensions. Our real selves are compilations of ability and potential and ideas and love, all occupying a space and expanding when allowed. So I’m giving myself permission to be expansive and dream big. Permission to treat myself as a loved one.
10. When you’re not drinking, you are free to authentically connect with your children. I told myself that one of my main reasons for drinking was to numb the pain of having to share custody of my boys. The feelings of loneliness and inadequacy around only having them with me half the time. The irony of the situation was that, by drinking, my quality time with them shrank down to almost nothing. They may have been physically with me half the time, but I wasn’t present. Over the past year, I have felt an easing, a gradual letting down of guards. A moving towards instead of drifting away. I want to hold them close and not let go, to gather up our missed moments. But all I have is today. And this is where I’ll start. I will meet them where they are. I will show them who I really am so that when I leave this life they will feel like they had the chance to really know and love their mother. Hopefully with some treasured memories thrown in for good measure.

By quitting, you are really saying yes to perseverance and no to giving up. Being drunk and addicted is easy; being sober takes effort and intention. Phoning it in is easy; doing the work and feeling the feelings is hard. It’s taking the stairs instead of the elevator. It’s like the relay races where you run while balancing an egg on a spoon.

But it is only by facing difficulty that we get to experience true reward. And being sober is more rewarding than you can ever imagine, because you get your self back.

You get to answer the question posed by poet Mary Oliver, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

At the one year mark, the possibilities are still being dreamed up and explored. What I can do is tell you what I’m not going to do. I’m not going to waste another second using alcohol to fog up the windows of my wild and precious life.